Feeling the heat of the recent wave of suspensions plaguing the WWE roster, last night's episode found itself reaching to cobble together storylines for PPV with some of the company's top stars who have been M.I.A. from the mix for several weeks. Showing footage from up to five weeks ago to sell the No Mercy PPV seemed to be something of a trend with last night's RAW from Cleveland, attempting to get the most mileage out of absent wrestlers appearing on the show.

The show starts out with three uber-jabronies standing around in the ring. Jerry "The King" Lawler nails it by referring to them as the Tank Brothers, Sherman and Septic. Just when I think certain doom is upon us, Vince comes out in a snappy, subtly tonal pinstripe suit with a tasteful pale chartreuse tie. Waddling down to the ring with his patented Institute of Silly Walks strut, Vince makes a match for later in the evening between himself and Triple H. Proving that the WWE's editing team is bar none, specifically in terms of music video packages, we're treated to a Titan Tron montage of Vince whupping Triple H's ass through the years.

Mr. McMahon introduces the three out of shape jobbers and the supposed disciplines they are experts in. And boy, that is some serious "fupa" (flabby upper pubic area, for those unfamiliar with the term) on the guy announced as a sumo champion. Vince emulates each discipline and yells at the jobbers, "Don't make me take my shirt off and scare all three of you." Oh, if only Bret Michaels listened to that these past few weeks on "Rock of Love"!

Umaga is back to clean house on behalf of Vinnie Mac and show everyone how a pummeling is done. While Vince's hair is rapidly covering his scalp in abundance once again, more tattoos are rapidly covering the canvas of Umaga, sporting a fresh one on his back. Umaga makes short, brutal work out of the jobbers, ass-splashing them as Vince calls the shots from the outside.

After the commercial break, things start off with a Six-Man Tag Match featuring Intercontinental Champion, Jeff Hardy with London & Kendrick vs. Murdoch & Cade with Shelton Benjamin. I've really been enjoying the pairing of Benjamin and Hardy and throwing in the very contrasting styles of the two tag teams to the mix is like a wrestling fan's wet dream.

London and Murdoch start off, London with an inverted Atomic Drop and a series of knee drags on the big man. Spanky and Shelton Benjamin and his tribute to "The Natural" Butch Reed's hair go at it, Benjamin dropping Spanky with a brutal gut buster. Kendrick takes the brunt of the ass beating from the opposition, each one taking turns on the lad like some kind of a gangbang until Kendrick lands a massive dropkick on Murdoch and tags in Hardy. The I.C. champ lands an awesome flying corkscrew from the top onto Cade, hitting it ass-first on his upper body and sending the scrapper to the canvas. Hardy goes to the top rope only to have Shelton pulls him down from the outside and Hardy groins himself. Paul London retaliates outside the ring by landing an arcing, backwards flip with a double-legged thrust kick on Benjamin, taking him down. Wow! Kendrick strikes back on Cade with a twisting neckbreaker, winding his body with an aerial jump around Cade's neck and dropping him, allowing Hardy to hit the finisher and score the pinfall for his team.

This match was the highlight of the night. It was short, sweet, yet incredibly fast paced with six really good wrestlers in the ring at once and working astoundingly well together. It's a shame none of these guys are main eventing since this match beat this edition of RAW's main event hands down.

Backstage, Vinnie Mac welcomes back William Regal and then asks him to look after his son for the night. Channeling Scott Baio, tonight it's "Regal In Charge" watching over Hornswoggle who takes to hiding on the GM immediately as the befuddled Brit searches for him.

Live via satellite, following the commercial, it's time for a promo from Randy Orton, urging Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler to roll that beautiful bean footage of Orton laying punt marks on John Cena's pops. Orton explains he elected not to be at the Cleveland arena tonight and is hanging around in Chicago right now. He hypes the Last Man Standing match for the next PPV and asks Cena if he's "got his head together." Wow. That was pun-tastic.

William Regal is still on the search for Hornswoggle and his Lucky Charms when he runs into the oh-so-shirtless Highlanders, who are in pretty damn good shape. They inform him they shot down a match against London & Kendrick tonight because they want a shot at the belts and will accept no substitutes. Hmmm… A Highlander heel turn. This could prove to be interesting and hopefully resurrect them from good-guy gimmick and haggis hell. Me likey.

Footage of Cody Rhodes' loss last week to the returning Hardcore Hardy is featured, setting the stage for this week's match. Rhodes faces off again against Hardcore Holly to gain his respect. The bout starts off with a nice series of high arm drags from Cody, who hammers away on Hardcore's arm until Holly lands a knee drop. Rhodes is desperate for a pinfall, jumping the Backslide by Rhodes to Hardy and nearfall, followed by a near inside cradle, then a roll up. Holly battles back with a nasty looking Alabama Slam for the pin. Holly shakes his head in disgust as a defeated Rhodes tries to get back to his feet.

Well, this wasn't much of a match. I suppose it's forwarding a storyline between the wily veteran and the young up-and-comer. Usually, the veteran is the crowd favorite, however, this time, the roles are reversed. If done the right way, it could put the young Rhodes over big. If not, Hardcore Holly will take up an allotted portion of your Monday nights.

Good ol' J.R. and The King hype the match at No Mercy between the Glamazon Beth Phoenix and Women's Champion Candice Michelle. Beth Phoenix comes out to cut a promo. Her tiny, squeaky voice reminds me of that bizarre dichotomy previously seen with Bobby Lashley and Chyna in that when a wrestler cuts an imposing figure over their opponents, yet manages to sound like the bastard offspring of Baby Snooks and Mickey Mouse. The Glamazon asks ring announcer Lillian Garcia to announce her as the new WWE Women's Champion. Lillian does as the towering Phoenix commands but voices her doubts that she can defeat Candice Michelle. The Glamazon all but asks "Does Beth Phoenix have to choke a bitch?" before clamping Songbird Garcia's neck in her mitts. Before anyone can say "Lilliaaaan. Cannot uuuuuseee. The phone," it's Candice Michelle to the rescue! The Women's Champ breaks it up, checks if Lillian is okay, and stares down Phoenix. It's particularly evident tonight that Candice needs to dye her hair back to dark brown STAT. The stripey highlights look is soooo out.

After a commercial break and a shot of Triple H is taping his wrists backstage, Vince makes his entrance, sporting the cut off black sweatshirt and jeans as his ring attire, whilst "The King of Kings" makes his entrance to an enormous pop from the crowd. Vince orders Triple H to stop posing to his theme music atop the ring posts and "cut the crap." He calls for a referee and doesn't care who it is. Out comes Carlito wearing a black and white ref's shirt. Uhh….Carlito? Flowbie called. They're sorry. I mean, Carlito's hair has never been Pantene-commercial worthy, but really, did he cut it himself?!

The crowd busts out with a huge "Triple H" chant. The clock ticks by as Vince evades The H outside the ring. Triple H can stand no more and rushes Vince. Trips starts with Carlito and knocks him down. Scrambling back into the ring, he goes for the Pedigree on Vince, as Carlito slides back in and nails HHH with the Backstabber, planting Vince on top of The H. Trips kicks out and then goes ballistic on Vince McMahon. Carlito calls for the bell resulting in a Vince win via DQ.

Suddenly, Umaga rushes the ring and lays into Triple H. Looks like Heel Umaga is back. Triple H can't knock down the Samoan bulldozer with even two huge clotheslines. The H breaks out of the Samoan Drop and then nails the big man with a DDT. Umaga gets right back up and proceeds to give Triple H an ass-splashing better than any one that Stephanie has ever nailed him with. Carlito then clotheslines Triple H over the top rope and boy, does Umaga ever look pissed that someone else was playing with his food. Carlito runs to the safety of the back as Triple H goes underneath the ring and retrieves his old pal, the sledgehammer. Umaga and Vince boogie to the back as The H auditions for the role of Thor in the middle of the ring.

This was something of a waste of time. Not only is Triple H being shuttled off into Novelty Match Land, but it basically ate minutes off the clock for the broadcast. That was nothing compared to the even bigger waste of time that was yet to come with the new segment, "Marella At the Movies." Santino Marella, escorted to the ring by Maria, took their seats in the directors chairs set up in the ring. Now, while Marrella is an awful wrestler, his comedic stylings have seriously grown on me… But not tonight. In a segment that's grasping for laughs like a drunk, ugly chick at a party attempting to getting laid, Marella pans "The Condemned" and through the magic of green screen, Marella interjects himself in the movie and suggesting that Stone Cold should play the role of Mr. Belding on "Saved By the Bell." Huh? Enter Val Venis who comes out and mentions his own "acting talents." Venis asks Maria to star in the sequel to "Mr. Woodcock" with him instead of a movie based on Santino's lovemaking skills, "Super Bad." An infuriated Marella goes to town on Venis' leg, working over his knee as Maria looks on helplessly. Wow. Val Venis might actually get a push with a feud! That might be one of the few decent things to stem from this lame segment. To date, the only wrestler who did a bang-up job with movie critiques was Booker T, made even better by the presence of Goldust.

Following the commercial break, Melina makes her familiarly flexible ring entrance for a quick, dirty, and ultimately pointless women's match. Clips are shown from last week with Hornswoggle invading Melina's shower and yanking the towel off of her. Okay. We've hit a new low! Sexual assault by a midget.

Tonight, it's Melina and her fuzzy boots vs. Mickie and her bell bottoms. Melina delivers a knee to Mickie's midsection. James nails a spinning Mick Kick and then gets dropped by Melina with a nearfall. Lots of hair pulling ensues. Melina uses the ring ropes to wrap her legs around Mickie's throat and take her down. Mickey executes a similar move. Melina lets loose with a brutal scream and attempts to finish Mickie. Hornswoggle pops up from beneath the ring and startles the former Women's Champ and Mickie capitalizes with a win. Melina chases Hornswoggle under the ring. Apparently, underneath the ring, unseen to the viewers, Hornswoggle strips Melina, taking her bra and pants before running to the back. Damn, dude. Who did Melina piss off to land this gig.

William Regal apprehends Hornswoggle backstage with Melina's ring attire and takes them back. Steve-O (Yes. That Steve-O. You can groan now.) heads backstage looking for a wuss to turn into a man. If I hear either Steve-O and his cheeseball ex-girlfriend Kat Von D utter the words "bad ass" one more time, I'll vomit. Steve O leaves Regal to sniff Melina's garments and then ventures over to Ron Simmons, telling him that he could make him more manly and toughen him up. As Simmons chucks Steve O out the nearest door in a violent manner, I feel the beginnings of a tiny crush on the former Farooq. I heart you, Ron. DAMN!

Right now, it's 10:42 PM and it's time for the main event. John Cena makes his ring entrance. What's wrong with this picture?! A main event match is going to start and it's not even 11:00. Apparently, I jumped the gun since RAW went directly to a commercial break to eat up some more time. Left with the feeling that John Cena should get some new theme music, feeling empathy for the poor souls in the Cleveland arena who have to hear the blaring strains of "My Time Is Now" with its overly festive horn section, I'm actually grateful for the commercial break, even if it does feature a pimp spot for Dr. Steve-O.

Kennedy comes out and does his schpiel on the microphone before chucking his shirt at Cena. Cena takes his shirt off and the fangirls squeal. Cleveland is apparently "Cena Country" as he's getting a huge reaction and tons of "Cena" chants from the crowd.

After the commercial break, Kennedy drops The Champ with a nice DDT before taking a page out of the Randy Orton playbook and going for an extended chinlock that lasts for a few minutes. Cena powers out of it with a suplex and clamps the STFU on Kennedy. Kennedy taps INSTANTLY without Cena even having to break out the Six Moves of Doom! Wow. I wonder if Kennedy pissed off the same person Melina did since they both got metaphorically spanked on this episode.

At this point, it's only 10:57 as Cena is celebrating his swift win which means it's time for Randy Orton to rush the ring, fresh from his honeymoon and drop Cena with a lightning quick RKO and hocks a huge loogie on The Champ. OMG! Gasp! Randy Orton lied! He wasn't in Chicago! That little fibber! He was in Cleveland the whole time!

Randy picks up the steel steps and wails Cena with them, then starts clearing the announce table of monitors before beaning Cena in the head with one before RKO-ing him again on the table.

Given the amount of fangirls in the arena, Cleveland was a good place to get a positive crowd reaction for Cena as opposed to cheers for Cena getting his ass handed to him. Orton demonstrates his knowledge of numbers by counting loudly to 10 in Cena's face in preparation for the Last Man Standing rules and what he hopes will be his impending title reign.

For a lead-in to a PPV, last night's episode was fairly weak, looking to recon the absence of some of the superstars slated to appear at No Mercy. More time was spent setting up potential storylines than on quality matches, elevating Hardcore Holly, and taking a proverbial whiz on Kennedy and Melina with some rather humiliating losses. If this is any indication, it doesn't bode well for No Mercy buyrates. Truthfully, out of the three brands, ECW has been showcasing the best matches and storylines for their roster. RAW may be the flagship, but they really need to raise their mast at this point.