WWE Monday Night RAW - 8-6-07 - Death, Interrupted

Completely unremarkable in terms of matches, most of which were brief squashes or total snoozefests, RAW pulled it out of the toilet with more of the between-the-matches action. Boasting the return of Vince McMahon, a (sorta) new commissioner, a "dating game," and an unexpected face turn, RAW managed to be very entertaining by the end of the show.

The show opens up with clips from earlier in the evening taking place backstage. Vince McMahon is back! And so is his hair! (Most of it, anyway.) And so is his fashion sense! Sporting a dove grey suit with a blue shirt and pink tie, he orders Coach to make sure that each and every superstar, present and under contract, should report to the ring at the top of his hour. He gives his reason for this to Coach as it is his right as a U.S. citizen and his right to freedom of expression.

Snapping back into real-time mode, every single wrestler (and Diva) packs the ring awaiting Mr. McMahon's entrance.

Cue the familiar, long-absent entrance music and Vince McMahon swaggers and poses before the cheering crowd, strutting his way across the Titan Tron ramp before launching into his speech.

Vince notes that he has a lot to say tonight on a number of topics, beginning where he left off. Last time he was on RAW, he was blown to smithereens. Footage is shown of Vince getting into the white limo and it going kablooey. Vince mentions that if he were to bite the big one, that's the way he wants to go out. In a blaze of glory. (If Bon Jovi offers up theme music for SummerSlam, we'll all know where this stemmed from.)

Asking the crowd and wrestlers gathered a rhetorical question, he ponders "Why would McMahon stage his own death?" The answer, he offered, was that he needed to know whether or not the fans and the wrestlers really cared, noting "I'm a sensitive human being who needs positive reinforcement." (Dude, I so totally called this one as the reason Vince would use behind faking his own death!) The result was an outpouring of overwhelming sympathy and concern with Vince heralding himself as beloved by Buffalo, wrestlers in ring, people all over the world. At this point, the crowd begins to boo.

Bringing them back to his side, he snaps back into his soliloquy, noting that some of the subjects he will discuss tonight are the United State Congress, the hypocricy of the news media, and certain individuals of his immediate family. He all but hands out an outline of topics for a term paper here.

Jonathan Coachman rushes out comes out and interrupts Vince's speech as he joins him on the Titan Tron stage. The crowd boos. Coach isn't too well-liked in Buffalo, I take it. Vince looks over at Coach and tells his Executive Assistant that he's late and that the bell is about to ring for a "good ol' fashioned Battle Royale" (that they seem to have been trotting out as the default, time-killer match the past few months.

The prize that awaits the winner of the Battle Royale is that they will become the new General Manager of RAW.

Apparently, all of the "Divas" have cleared out of the ring in advance, just leaving the male members of the roster to scrapple over the GM-ship.

Mr. Pimpy mentions how cool it would be if it was Umaga. I'd have to agree. Perhaps they could bring back Armando "It's still 'Alejandro'... to me, haha!'" Estrada to assist him.) My pick for the winner is William Regal, taking a second turn as the General Manager. Mr. Pimpy concedes. However, Umaga has tossed out four guys already.

King Booker points at Jerry "The King" Lawler, seated at ringside at the announcer's table. They have a match scheduled for later tonight and as he's pointing, Booker T gets thrown out, causing the King to giggle like a schoolgirl. Nevertheless, Booker's hair looked awesome, rocking an '80s side ponytail under the crown.

Speaking of hair, Val Venis and Daivari stand next to each other in the ring. Wow. Now there's two guys who should really consider growing back their hair.

After a commercial break, the match is joined in progress. Left in the middle of the ring are Umaga, Brian "Spanky" Kendrick, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Sandman, Val Venis, Carlito, Mr. Kennedy, Cody Rhodes, Rory (of the Highlanders), Lance Cade, and Shelton Benjamin.

Looking around, I think I've been proved incorrect and assume that Regal has already been eliminated.

The first one of the leftovers to be knocked out of contention is Rory. Then, Umaga eliminates Val Venis. Both Kendrick and Umaga are eliminated as Umaga clocks the youngster out of the ring and takes himself out as well.

Kennedy is out next as Umaga wastes Spanky on the floor of the Titan Tron. "Hacksaw" is then eliminated. Cody Rhodes staggers around dazed and Carlito rams his head to the corner. Benjamin follows suit with Sandman. Shelton then turns his attention to Cody, whipping him to the ropes. Rhodes counters with a flying reverse elbow. Benjamin then knees him in the gut and throws him over his shoulder in a surprising and impressive show of strength. Meanwhile, Sandman pummels Carlito.

Benjamin tries to throw Rhodes over the top. Sandman is staggering around and isn't even drunk. Carlito wails away on Sandman in the middle of the ring, stomping on him.. Elsewhere in the ring, Rhodes punches Benjamin in the stomach. The real surprise is Sandman with a surprisingly awesome suplex. Sandman punches Carlito in the head. He's winged to the ropes by Carlito who executes a dopkick. Shelton and Rhodes trade punches. A Rhodes flying running elbow at Benjamin knocks him off his feet. Rhodes skins the cat to get back inside and takes a blow to the head by Benjamin. Rhodes is eliminated.

Sandman climbs to the top rope. Carlito picks him up and Sandman pummels him back into the ring. Benjamin climbs the top rope and then delivers a Super Plex, tossing himself and Sandman back into the ring.

Carlito attempts to work over Benjamin and Sandman knocks both Carlito and Benjamin out of the ring! Sandman is the winn-naa!!!! Just as I was pondering the endlessly awesome possibilities of what Sandman as General Manager could bring, William Regal swoops in at the last minute as Sandman believes he's victorious and knocks him out of the ring. William Regal is now the new General Manager.

Throwing victory symbols a la Nixon, Regal had been hiding out during the match the whole time, taking a page out of Edge's book, hiding out and coming in at the last minute. As much as I like Regal, that move is lame. It was lame when Edge did it and it's lame being rehashed now.

Just a minute, little continuity check here but….Uhhh.,.. Where was Cena? Where was Orton? Neither of those two were present in the ring. Funny, considering they were both on the program but not involved in the Battle Royal.

Backstage, a little more exposition is tossed our way as Vince asserts that he is a United States citizen with rights. He also mentions that two different Congressional committees want to investigate WWE at the same time, likening them to Barney Fife.

Coach could care less, having been supplanted as General Manager. He tells him to cheer up since he still has a job… as William Regal's assistant. He reminds Coach that the new G.M. likes his tea hot and prefers Earl Grey. Yeaaaaahhh! Earl Grey in the house!!! That's my favorite tea, too!! No wonder why I like Regal so much.

Following yet another Triple H returns video, Booker T looks depressed, deeply offended by The H being referred to as the "King of Kings." King Booker tells Todd Grisham that Trips is no more than a bum and no more than "Jerome Lawler." Contending that there is only one royal member of the RAW, he will prove that in the coronation ceremony next week. The stipulation for tonight's match pitting Lawler vs. Booker is that the loser will have to place the crown on the winner's head. Booker closes the interview saying that "I will vanquish Jerome once and for all at MSG."

Back in the arena, the Highlanders in the ring. Tonight, it's Rory in singles action with his more hirsute cousin Robbie standing by for moral support. Snitsky comes out, looking all bloated and gross. Maaan, you should have seen Snitsky's back, which is about the only thing that looks worse than his front. It looks like a connect-the-dots puzzle.

Snitsky slams Rory to the ground and then picks him up with a double-handed slam and makes short work against the Highlander/jobber in probably under a minute. Good Ol' J.R. rattles off a random, Snitsky factoid that he was once an offensive tackle at Univ. of Missouri. (The operative word here being "offensive.")

Robbie climbs back into the ring over his fallen cousin. Snitsky goes back to the locker room, walking backwards (gee, I wonder why) and looking incredibly gross.

That wasn't even a match. It was a squash. Was there even a point to it?

Vince McMahon is happily chatting with a bald crew member and the camera catches him in mid-conversation saying "I had one just like it!" The phone starts ringing and Coach picks it up. It's for Vince, apparently it's Mr. McMahon's accountant. Vince's cryptic conversation is that he and his company have nothing to hide and that now, the IRS intends to audit every single thing he has. Vince says that "The same thing will happen this time as happened last time. They'll end up owing me money." However, he notes that the media is going to have a field day with this one and hurl all sorts of false accusations and speculations at him.

Vince concludes this segment by asking what's the difference between the news media and the WWE. His answer is "Not a damn thing. We're both in the entertainment business. Facts don't have a damn thing to do with the news business anymore." It's all Entertainment Tonight.

As Vince mentions the IRS again, the camera pans to a brief shot of Irwin R. Schyster making a cameo with Mike Rotundo peeking out from behind a newspaper. Nice!

More intriguing than any match-up so far tonight, Vince has to be commended for being so ballsy and open about the media's crucifixion of anything even remotely associated with WWE. While I don't always agree with Vince McMahon's business decisions all of the time, I have to admire him for being so open and calling out the media on their irresponsible reporting on speculation instead of concrete facts.

Back in the ring, Lillian Garcia introduces Jillian Hall. Lawler makes a funny as he giggles that "Lillian introduces Jillian" In full-on total ham mode, Jillian amps up the faux, popstar energy, screeching "Let's get this party started right now!" with her Janet Jackson headset. Jillian lets Lillian plug her album and then asks the audience if they want to hear Lillian sing? As the crowd roars its approval, she cuts her off and says that no one wants to hear Lillian sing, they came to hear Jillian! Hall then goes into the nasal, pop-star hysterics and proves once again that she has no shame whatsoever. Yes, I am officially a Jillian Hall fan!.

Mickie James skips out to her entrance, ready to kick ass. Mickey hops to the top rope and salutes the fans as Jillian belts Mickie. She tosses her by the hair and swirls herself around and then slams Mickie's face to the corner. Hall picks up Mickie and slams her to the canvas and goes for an arm yank, pulling Mickie's arms behind her before judo flipping the former Women's Champion.

Mickie comes back with a headscissors takeover, several short clotheslines, and a Thez press. Mickie caps things off with a swinging neckbreaker and a two count. Jillian kicks out but is sent flying to the ropes. She goes for a roll up, but Mickie bridges out of it.

James lands several Mick-Kicks to the face before going to the top rope again. She climbs down as Jillian tries to get out of the way under the bottom rope. The biggerJ Jillian clamps Mickie in a Full Nelson followed by planting Mickie's face on the mat, pinning Mickie James for the win.

Truthfully, this was the best, pure wrestling match of the night. It's nice to see Jillian Hall given an opportunity to wrestle and show off her skills. She's entertaining as a supremely annoying heel with the Brooke Hogan/Brittney Spears-esque gimmick. Finally, she's allowed to shine in some real matches! Mickie has also progressed a long way, too, probably one of the most solid women on the entire RAW roster and maybe second or third best woman in the WWE overall behind Victoria (who, sadly, was banished to Smackdown. A shame since there seems to be an influx of really good females on the RAW brand now).

Backstage, Regal and Coach are in the "Getting to Know You" stage of things and he tells his Executive Assistant that he "Always wanted to be the host of a game show." Tonight, he'll get his wish and will host his own rendition on Raw of his favorite game show, The Dating Game. He then asks Coach to bring him some Earl Grey, muttering in a low, cheery voice as Coach departs, "so kind!" That's right, Sunshine! Regal's back as the GM and this could be good.

In the ring, it's time for Carlito's Cabana. Whoopedy-doo. The Champ, John Cena comes out and rechristens it Cena's Cabana. Things become somewhat more entertaining as he insists that he's got a great show. Lined up and that "Huey Lewis and the News" will be here!" Cena sits Carlito's ass down in one of the lounge chairs and runs roughshod over the host, taking the reins. He says he has an important guest tonight who is angry about what happened last week. He then introduces…himself. (Yeah. No one saw THAT coming.) Cena then proceeds to interview himself, mentioning how he was pissed that some punk spit apple in his face and that he also has a message for Randy Orton, his #1 Contender at the impending SummerSlam PPV: "The Champ is here." Cena, in self-interviewing style, then tells himself that the line is a little cliché, but it might still catch on. (Nice to see himself beat others to the punchline.)

Taking a page from the David Letterman Handbook, Cena offers up the top three reasons he should trash the Cabana and beat up Carlito:

1. "hese are the only nuts Carlito will ever have," as he holds up a lovely bunch of coconuts.
2. In real life, Carlito doesn't even like apples or spitting them out. He would rather swallow a banana.
And finally,
3. Because that, my friend, is cool.

Cena clocks Carlito's ass backwards and pummels the crap out of him. Orton intervenes and tries to pull out the RKO. Cena delivers the FU on Carlito and looks at Orton threateningly.

Once again backstage, Vince waxes poetically on his absence and slight disappointment in his family. Shane was conveniently MIA. Stephanie, who popped up to publicly McMourn her father in the ring the week following his supposed demise, had been to three different attorneys to see what she would get. Vince's wife of 41 years was consoled by some of his long-time faithful employees. (Pat Patterson?!?) McMahon said that he wants to bring his own family back together and for people to see the goodness in Mr. McMahon to come out as he smiled hopefully.

Up next is yet another match between King Booker and Jerry "The King" Lawler. The match's stipulation is that the loser will crown the winner in a special coronation ceremony next week. Booker and Sharmell enter, pinkies extended and resplendant in regal gold and purple.

Jerry Lawler enters the ring wearing royal blue and a Springer-esque chant of "Jerry! Jerry!" issues forth from the crowd.

The two men circle one another and dance around before they lock up. Much like last week, Booker backs Lawler into the corner and the two kings trade punches. Booker then finds himself slammed to the canvas by Lawler.

From the outside, gets back in and the two men lock up again. Booker twists Lawler's arm behind him and wrenches back hard before delivering an elbow to Lawler's face, breaking the hold. Lawler hauls off and punches Booker T and then nails him in the gut.

Booker winds back and lands a hard slap on Lawler. Another hard slap sends Lawler to the canvas. Lawler battles back with hits to Booker's stomach and punches him backawards. Booker comes back with a right hand to Lawler in the corner. Booker then boots Lawler with a vicious back-kick to the solar plexus and capitalizes with a nearfall.

Lawler gets up and dropkicks Booker. Booker gets in another kick of his own and stomps Lawler. The two men trade hard punches and the match culminates in Booker hitting his pattented Scissors Kick and pinning Lawler!

Not a bad match. The feud seems to be something of a dead-end unless next week's coronation ceremony ends up as something spectacular. The potential for humor between Lawler, Booker, and Sharmell next week is fairly high, so it may not be a total loss after all. I might go out on a limb here and guess that Triple H shows up and makes a cameo appearance.

Kennedy comes out and makes an appearance, giving the update on Bobby Lashley's torn rotator cuff. He rattles off a fairly tame and lame promo. Dude, I am so over Kennedy at this point. Next!!!

Fortunately, more entertaining things were on the horizon with William Regal gets to make his wish come true as host of his very own Dating Game! Regal introduces the three bachelors on the show. Bachelor #1 has "an enormous piece of wood" and is "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Duggan is suited up with a shirt and a '70s medallion. Hacksaw is gold on this one, taking off his wedding ring and slyly putting it in his pocket. Also, his 2x4 is wearing a tie, tied with a rather nice Windsor knot.

Bachelor #2 is Ron Simmons - AKA - Farooq and his "very limited vocabulary." Giving the fans their Weekly Dose of DAMN!", Regal makes a flippant remark that would have even Chuck Woolery green with envy, that "Didn't see that coming."

And Bachelor #3 is…. Santino Marella, who according to Regal was brutalized last week by Umaga much in the same way he brutalizes the English language. Oh, how true. Wearing a sling on his arm from the severely Samoan stomping he received from Umaga, Marella says that "I am in a lot of pain" in his horrid accent. Bachelor #3 makes Farooq and Hacksaw look like a dream date by comparison.

Maria is introduced as the WWE Diva who is going to be the contestant to pick her date on the show. A little bit of comedic interaction ensues with one of the highlights being Farooq continuing the rhyming theme, when asked by Maria if he could go back in time to stop any war, Farooq loudly bellowed DAMN!!!

It may have been that line that made Maria pick Bachelor #2, going on a date with Farooq. Santino freaks out and calls Farooq a creep. Farooq just tells him to "SCRAM!" Santino makes a grab for Maria and says that they're leaving. Santino was on fire, throwing out insults to everyone, telling "Hacksaw" that he was "mildly retarded" and to "shut up." All in the terrible, linguine slurping accent.

In a neat segway, Umaga is trucking on down to the ring and Santino clears out of there ASAP. I can only hope that next week's episode of RAW features a segment with Maria's date with Farooq. The Dating Game was probably one of the best things on RAW this week and just pure comedic gold in the best way possible. Everyone involved -- yes, even Santino! -- were entertaining and fun to watch. The whole thing flowed really well and hey, it may even lead to some sort of a comeback for Ron Simmons.

Backstage, Coach signs for an official document for Mr. McMahon and opens it. The drama mounts as Coach opens the envelope to find that Mr. McMahon has received a summons. Wellll.....Guess I'm not the only one doing jury duty in October!

As Umaga prepares for his match in the ring, Cena makes his entrance. Umaga starts off stomping Cena right out of the gate with some hard fists. Cena falls face-forward into the corner and Umaga screams and throws Cena across the ropes. Ouch!

Umaga had definitely brought his A-Game, coming in with some new moves, namely an amazing dragon-whip kick to Cena and then throws him out of the ring, Cena sprawling on the floor.

After a commercial break, Cena is back in the ring and on his knees. Umaga runs at Cena, and sends him to the corner and he flops like a flapjack… Or titties in a National Geographic magazine and hammers on Cena's back.

After some more back and forth, Cena emerges on top, taking out Umaga with an STFU in an attempt to make him tap. Just then, Orton and Carlito rush the ring to wail away on Cena. The bell rings as they stomp him.

Patronizing Umaga, Carlito and Orton keep patting Umaga to hold him back as they take on Cena. Infuriated, Umaga clocks Orton and then superkicks Carlito. Umaga runs at Carlito and he dodges out of the way.

Regal comes out and makes a match for "Umanga" and Cena vs. Orton and Carlito next week. (Mr. Pimpy totally called this unorthodox tag team match.) So, it looks like "Umanga" is now officially a face.

Moving from the arena, it's time to wrap up the show in the back. Assembled is the usual menagerie of RAW superstars and Vince McMahon is walking the gauntlet in something of a redux of his infamous last appearance on RAW. Instead of being absolutely batshit crazy, this Vince McMahon is smiling and talking to everyone happily. The best part was Vince walking up to Paul London and Brian Kendrick, noting a big grin on London's face and saying "It's good to see a smile on your face!" A nice nod to not only the new company mantra that they put smiles on people's faces, but also the ire London evoked from Vince when he was caught smirking on camera during a dramatic moment where Vince was walking towards his soon-to-go-boom limo.

Vince walks outside and sniffs the air in an odd sense of déjà vu. He looks behind him and sees two guys sitting there and waves. Walking a little further, he pauses in front of a few parked cars and makes his walk to the white limo once again. He almost opens the car door. Pauses. Looks at the arena, and then finally gets in.

Just as he's about to shut the door, Coach comes running out claiming he's been looking for Vinnie Mac everywhere! He shows his boss the summons, suggesting that he really should read it. An irritated McMahon orders him to just tell him what it is. Coach states that the letter is a paternity suit filed in Stamford, CT in regards to an illegitimate child that Vince McMahon sired. So, apparently, there's another member of the McMahon family running around somewhere.

All I can hope is that they don't do the proposed and (thankfully) vetoed idea of the incest angle with Stephanie and her pregnancy.

On a wrestling level, this episode sucked. In terms of storylines and entertainment, it was great. I still have to give Vince props for taking on Congress in such a verbally ballsy way on television. I think in honor of the proposed Congressional hearings, WWE 24/7 should air a showing of "Mr. Blassie Goes To Washington". Sure, it's just Classy Freddie Blassie walking around and being ornery in our nation's capital, but hey, that is where Congress is housed!

Next week should be interesting to see where this story goes. Instead of trying to find out "Who Killed Vince?" the new angle is going to be tracking down the identity of the long-lost member of the McMahon family. Also, I'm curious as to what can and will be done with Umaga as a face, particularly with him teaming up with Cena, the man who basically ended his winning streak. I predict Umaga will take a George "The Animal" Steele-esque turn, going from crazed, non-verbal monster to crazed, loveable, non-verbal monster. If Umaga starts carrying a doll to the ring with facepaint on it, I think I'll crap myself, though. As a kid, "The Animal" was one of my all-time favorites and one of the few wrestlers from my childhood that I still mark out for like a goof. However, I think Umaga as an unstoppable force of destruction could have gone on longer as he filled a unique niche on RAW. And hey, he was one of the few big "monsters" that has actually improved as a performer and wrestler. Nevertheless, I'm intrigued to see where this goes.

In the meantime, I wouldn't mind another episode of the dating game or footage of Maria's date with Farooq. However, I'm hoping the matches are much better next week leading up until Summer Slam.